We are History

It is both intimidating and humbling to realize the we are the first historical figure our children will do a deep analysis and study of. They will fully understand our worldview, our ethics, our politics...our entire overall philosophy of life, but also be able to balance what we say we believe with what our actions—and their experience of those actions—reveal about what we actually believe. Our children are the foremost scholars of our lives and works, and although they may not write their findings in an actual book, how we interacted with their world is imprinted on every page of their lives.

Different Strokes

I had a little bit of a stroke after midnight on Thursday. I am ok, my face is still a little funny, my battery isn’t charging fully yet, and I have to wear a heart monitor for a month, but I’m glad it happened, and Thursday was a great day for me. I told the boys I was having a stroke and I called 911. Then I told them I loved them and if anything happened to me they should take good care of each other. I texted the woman I love to let her know what was going on, texted the boys’ mom so she would know what was happening and that the boys were safe, and then I texted my boss so he knew I wouldn’t be in to work, and let him know either I or one of my sons would keep him posted. Then I went outside and sat on the front steps of my porch and waited for the ambulance. I felt calm, and wasn’t afraid. I knew the boys would be fine and take care of each other if the worst happened, and I knew there wasn’t anything I needed to say to anyone. I am far from a saint but I try to live right, and I think the way I felt at that moment validated my general approach to life.All of the boys stayed cool. I taught them to be that way. Eliot stayed with Langston, and Lewis rode with me to the hospital and stayed with me through the night. I spent the next day surrounded by people I love and getting messages from people I love. The mood was light and joyous, and I was glad I had cut out a bunch of bad habits a few years before, because God knows it could have been worse had I not. There is nothing wrong or regrettable about having a real experience. They are actually ALL real experiences really. I am happy to be here while I am, and I definitely learned a couple things. I am saving the most important photo from that day for a different occasion, but here are some other pics. The stuffed hedgehog is something Langston bought from the hospital gift shop for me. I named him Strokey.

The Upward Pull of the Human Soul

Tonight, the clouds over Eastgate look like pictures I have seen of towns in Japan at the base of Mount Fuji. If I could find the base of this mountain, I feel like if I climbed to the top I might find God. Maybe he would tell me some deep truth, or maybe he would make me fight him. But these are just clouds. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to grow up with Mount Fuji dominating the horizon. The way it must inform the psychosphere of the people, and contribute to their mythology and outlook on life has to be incredible.

My Philosophy for Time Management

Unless it is on fire, it needs to schedule an appointment.

Grapes

I think grapes have to be the best fruit. Taste wise, it probably goes to watermelon or pineapple, but they lose some points because of portability and the need to carve them. Grapes are delicious, don’t need to be carved, and are easy to carry around. They win.

Always Take Time to Notice the Nice Things

Since it is summer break, the boys were asleep when I left the house for work this morning. As I turned on my car and began to back out of the driveway, my youngest son called me. He wanted to see if I had left yet. I told him I hadn’t, so he ran out to give me a hug and waved at me as I drove off. These little moments are some of my favorites.

GOODBYE BALLOON (a short film by Langston Troxell)

Heroic Sky Over Eastgate

Mission Statement

the project of becoming a human being isnt complete until we die.

Where It All Started

I can pinpoint the exact moment the idea of me being a father occurred to me for the first time. It happened when I was watching a preview copy of Grosse Pointe Blank after midnight when I was an usher at Showcase Cinemas Eastgate (R.I.P.) in 1997. Aside from being a classic all around, my kids can probably thank John Cusack and this particular scene on some level for their very existence.

Pure Terror

I meant to hit the Google icon on my phone’s Home page, but accidentally hit the Bing icon instead. I audibly gasped and my co-workers turned and looked at me with concern. I have never hit the back arrow on my screen so fast in my life.

A List of Things That Are Currently Giving Me Life

1. The band Swans 2. Bill Evans playing piano 3. My Criterion Collection Streaming subscription 4. Avocados with Secret Aardvark hot sauce and cashews 5. The book Morning Star, by Karl Knausgaard 6. Lots and lots of Diet Coke

Potato Soup

My son just told me the potato soup I made for dinner last night was possibly the best he’s ever had. I have been making this simple meal for 20 years now, and literally wing it every time. It was really good, but it would be impossible to recreate. I probably should have written the recipe down at some point, but in a world where you can get whatever you want whenever you want if you have the resources to get it, I am actually happy to know that I have shared something with people I love that they enjoyed, and can never be replicated. Which makes that shared experience sanctified in some way. There is no added value better than that. Also, the idea that I perfected something by accident through mere repitition and with absolutely no intent is rewarding too.

Gratitude

Every now and then my kids tell me how they’re going to spend their money when they get wealthy, and they talk about fixing up the house and taking me to places I’ve wanted to go for vacation. Of course I tell them to save their money, but it honestly makes me think of the way I’ve heard rappers talk about taking care of their moms when they get paid, and I think about how this dynamic is different, and I am also grateful to have kids who are capable of gratitude. There is so much beauty and real shit they’ll encounter in their lives, they will need that gratitude.

Swans

Until about a month ago, I had never listened to Swans. I quickly became obsessed with them and started listening to all of their albums. This weekend I finally got to The Glowing Man, and it may be the most transcendent collection of songs I have ever heard. I felt euphoric listening to it as I drove into work this morning. I am so grateful to learn that music can still move me like this, even as I move further into my 40’s. I am also grateful to learn that there is still life-changing art out there to find. I haven’t seen it all. What a gift life is!

The Sugar

I found out I had diabetes about a month ago when my employer held a free screening event. It probably saved my life, because I would most likely have tried to cowboy my way through the various symptoms I was experiencing until I had a stroke or something. I just took my first dose of medication this morning, and about 30 minutes later I realized I felt significantly better. I almost cried. It’s crazy how we can learn to accept always feeling like shit if the decline is gradual enough. I am happy to be alive, and am grateful for this lesson.

Oh Shit, Here Comes 2024.

Things don’t always go the way I hope they will, but I inevitably learn and grow because of the way things do go. I am grateful for what I have, and what I have is all I want. I am open to this new year.

Thoughts of Allende

My first thought this morning on discovering the demonic force that was Henry Kissinger has been (finally) removed from this Earth was a sense of the inevitability of justice. This thought led to thoughts of Salvador Allende’s final speech to his people as the Kissinger / Nixon backed Pinochet forces closed in on him in Chile: "Workers of my country, I have faith in Chile and its destiny. Other men will overcome this dark and bitter moment when treason seeks to prevail. Keep in mind that, much sooner than later, the great avenues will again be opened through which will pass free men to construct a better society. Long live Chile!” What Allende said is true. All struggling and oppressed people the world over should take this message to heart. It is perhaps best summarized by the famous MLK quote “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice”. For Kissinger (who lived to 100) and aspiring Kissingers the world around, take heed of these old song lyrics: ‘You can run on for a long time, run on for a long time, run on for a long time, but sooner or later God will cut you down”.

Shit

I entered the age range I had previously regarded as ‘adult’, and realized I didn’t know shit. I realized all the people I thought knew shit also didn’t know shit. I saw all of the varieties of blinders and fancies people utilized to protect them from realizing they didn’t know shit, and it horrified me. I am well on into the years of adulthood, and the only shit I know is small, and hard won. It cost me to get what little shit I have found. I am no longer horrified to realize the small amount of shit we collectively or individually know, but am grateful that I still have a little bit of time to add some shit to the pile.

Song: Life in Dreams