Friday, November 9, 2018


FYI, I was just on the phone with customer service and I couldn’t hear the representative clearly while they were talking. I said, ‘Sorry?’ and she adjusted something and sounded much clearer, and then said, ‘is this better?’ and I said, ‘Yes, that’s better’. Then she said, ‘Are you from Cincinnati?’ I paused and realized that I had said ‘sorry?’ and answered, ‘Yes’. She said, ‘You good?’ and I responded, ‘Yeah, I’m good’. and we both laughed and went on with the call.

Sunday, October 14, 2018

Store Brand

I am honestly surprised that it took as long as it did for store-brand to catch on to the profitability of ‘Hawaiian’ bread. Since when has any American company ever lost money adding sugar to a basic commodity? I’m legit waiting for the Kroger brand of ‘Hawaiian’ roll toilet paper.

Saturday, October 13, 2018

The Truth Kanye Told

You know what truth was told in Kanye West’s weird monologue in the White House? It was a truth that only someone speaking from the root of their own mental illness and trauma could tell. He talked about how Donald Trump’s public persona acted as a salve to his own wounded masculinity. That is some deep truth. Trump is officially the candidate for the men—and the wives of those men—who embraced the generic masculinity ascribed by our popular culture, and have taken every hole poked in that flimsy mythology as a hole poked in their own soul. I guarantee you that no man who voted for Trump had a healthy father, and by extension didn’t/doesn’t have a healthy relationship with their father. And, as is required by the power of the myth they had consumed, found a mate who had their own problems with their wounded and wounding fathers, and found a partner for themselves that was infected by the same disease their own fathers had. This is the truth Kanye told, and he was only free to tell it as someone more enthralled to his own disease than he was to the requirements of our wider culture.

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Opinions In Cars

What’s the deal with middle aged men recording YouTube rants in their cars? Why is this a thing? I’m interested in the cultural/psychological/sociological roots of this phenomenon. Why is it middle aged men? Why in the car? Why do you still have your seatbelt on? People are fascinating.

Sunday, September 30, 2018

Playlist for 5 Year Old Me

I decided today to make a playlist for 5 year old me. It will contain all of the earliest songs I can remember liking.

Here’s the track list:

1. On Top of the World - Van Halen
2. Panama - Van Halen
3. Jump - Van Halen
4. Down on the Corner - CCR
5. Bad Leroy Brown - Jim Croce
6. You Don’t Mess Around With Jim - Jim Croce
7. Mr. Blue Sky -Electric Light Orchestra
8. Pretty Woman - Roy Orbison
9. You Got It - Roy Orbison
10. The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - Gordon Lightfoot
11. I Don’t Want to Live on the Moon - Ernie, from Sesame Street

This is actually a pretty sweet playlist.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Voice Messages

I love reading voice message transcriptions on my phone because no matter how careful a person is to consider every word and present professionally, the transcription captures every ‘um’ and ‘like’ in text. Things that humanize people are beautiful.

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

At the Drop of a Hat

“At the drop of a hat”. Intended to mean a super-reactionary response, before all of the evidence is in. What is it about the sound of a hat hitting the floor that makes certain people do rash things? Is there a unique sound? Does it trigger a primitive response? Does it matter what kind of hat? I need to know.