Savoring Mr. Facebook’s Discomfort

Ayanna Pressley’s expression in this screenshot is so gratifying. She knows she’s owning Mark, and she knows the owning has just begun...and she is clearly savoring the entire experience. It’s a beautiful thing.

Honey, Baby, Sugar, Doll, Sweetheart

I just went into Speedway to buy gas and a pack of cigarettes, and the nice older lady at the register called me honey, sweetheart, doll, and baby within the space of no more than two minutes. This characteristic of ladies who work at gas stations—even sometimes younger ones—has always fascinated me, and I think someone needs to publish a research paper on the subject.

Next To Godliness

I just want to let everyone know I just cleaned the devil out of my kitchen. It was like an exorcism. It’s immaculate. If Mary and Joseph showed up at my front door, I wouldn’t hesitate to deliver baby Jesus on my kitchen floor. It’s clean, Y’all.

Taking Out a Business Loan Doesn’t Make You a Hero

Yes! A living wage is the cost of business. There are no politicians lobbying for me because I can’t afford to buy the means of production and associated things needed to start a business. A living wage, decent healthcare, the ability to organize...these things are the price of admission. ‘Wah, I cant run my business if I can’t exploit my workers!’ Tough shit, buddy. Business owners—especially small business owners—don’t deserve the prestige they receive in our society. They’re fine, but they’re people too.

Prayer

Prayer

Dear God,

Please know

I don’t blame you

Because your just like me

An animal

And we do what animals do

We fight

We fuck

We kill

We look for food

And someone always must pay

When we get in a certain mood

So I praise you

Just like

You should praise me

In my glory

Rising erect

And nude

Aroused for all to see

Dear Animals,

Can’t you see

The God that’s in you?

You’re not limited

To the systems

That telegraph the rules

We rage

We burn

We behead

Through the paper, we peruse

And someone must always explain

Why we’re not in the news.

So I praise you

Just like

You should praise me

In my glory

Rising erect

And nude

Aroused for all to see

See my horns

See my horns

Watch me dance

See my horns

My glowing eyes

Watch me dance

So I praise you

Just like

You should praise me

In my glory

Rising erect

And nude

Aroused for all to see

Cars

It should be illegal for actual humans to drive the same kind of cars cops drive. When I clock a cop driving behind me, and register, ‘Oh, that’s not a cop! That’s some soccer mom on her way back home, after probably sleeping with her Pilates instructor’, that’s real trauma for me. You owe me money, Karen.