Give Me a Pulitzer

Living my best life, sitting in my car in a Wal-Mart parking lot after 9pm, listening to a teenage couple yell at each other at the top of their lungs, accusing each other of god-knows-what, slamming their car doors over and over again (how many doors can they have?), and demanding their lighter back. The girl just screamed, ‘What did I do Bradley? What did I do?!’. This is journalism.

Literary Names

I just read that in 2013 alone, 67 little girls were named Daenerys by their parents, and 241 little girls were named Khaleesi. That’s pretty rough. Folks, please wait until the story is over to decide to bestow the name of a character on your child. The only worse literary name I can think of giving your kid would be to name them Lolita, because you heard the title and thought it sounded pretty, but you never read the book.

Edgy Comedians

It’s so weird to me that so many rich, white, heterosexual male comedians still try to interpret the public reaction/disinterest in their stale homophobic/racist/sexist/generally bigoted jokes as a sign that they’re edgy and somehow speaking truth to power. The lack of insight is astounding. No dude, I’m not saying you suck because you exposed some weakness in my ideology or existence, I’m saying you suck because you are boring and not funny.

#billmaher #billburr #joerogan #nickdepaolo #rickygervais #dennismiller

Marketing Advice

Pro tip for the folks who pay protesters to stand outside of the Planned Parenthood downtown lethargically holding signs: institute a requirement for sign swirling and quirky dancing. That is a popular marketing move, and one of your employees might even get on Ellen!

Game of Thrones Predictions

Considering the medieval setting of Game of Thrones, shouldn’t somebody have gotten really bad diarrhea at least once by now? Everyone is wondering who will die next, but outside of Tywin Lannister, I haven’t seen one character on the toilet, or even complain of a stomach ache. I’d like to see one character interrupt the action at least once because they need to make an emergency bathroom visit. Tormund would be a good choice. Nobody eats right on that show, but you know Tormund doesn’t. I would like the last episode to begin as a huge battle set up from Tormund’s POV, but just as the action starts, his stomach gurgles, he makes a sour face, beads of sweat begin forming on his forehead, and the camera follows him as he runs off into the woods. The scene stays with him as he finds an old run-down outhouse, and it’s just him violently shitting for an entire hour with battle noises raging outside. At the very end he steps out exhausted but relieved, the battle sounds have ended, and a wounded soldier stumbles into his line of sight, says ‘Sansa Stark sits on the Iron Throne’, and then dies. ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ starts playing. Fade to back.

Bad Parenting

Our current president is a terrible father. All public evidence points to this. For me, this is a bottom line, make-or-break deal, especially when evaluating a person’s eligibility for leadership. If your record re: your relations with your own progeny amounts to creating and reinforcing trauma, how can I support you as a leader?