Large Objects Moving Slowly

first appeared at http://www.mannequinenvy.com/

As your breasts
make their glacial excursion
towards your hips,
and my balls
begin to droop
like a Halloween bag
full of too much candy,
I will pause
from time to time
and remember years before
when our two taut bodies
were so easily entertained
by such flat, firm surfaces,
and [we] explored them ruthlessly,
like conquistadors
looking for golden cities.
And I will smile,
and consider these days,
when the terrain is much
more complex,
unpredictable,
and a safari
of the many curves and folds
may take months of planning
to execute,
and only god knows
how many hired natives
will be lost along the way.

An excerpt from my interview with President Ahmadinejad

S: Is it true that you hate the Jews?

A:"No! I love the Jews! This has been one of the greatest misunderstandings between our two countries. Who doesn't watch The Daily Show?

S: What about your 'we will drive the jews into the sea comment?'

A: Oh, come on! I was having a bad day.It's just a figure of speech. You know, you spill some hot coffee on your members-only jacket and, "I'll drive the jews into the sea!" It's just something that pops out. Nothing behind it at all. I love the jews! I tear the crust of their sandwiches.

S: by 'tear the crust off their sandwiches', do you mean 'drive them into the sea?'

A: Now you're playing word games with me.

S: In your speech to Columbia University you said, "In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country...I don't know who's told you that we have this. "

A: And?

S: Are you Sascha Baron Cohen?

A: (rips of fake beard and wig) Gotcha! Again I expose the West's innate bigotry and ignorance by portraying the shallow, backwards caricature you have in your collective mind of the leader of a middle-eastern country right back at you, and have you buy it! You wouldn't believe how much prejudice you displayed in that interview.

S: Brilliant. You've done it again.

Sascha Baron Cohen: I am the carnival barker calling all to see the horrors I have behind a giant curtain. When a crowd gathers, I pull a cord, the curtain drops, and there stands a giant mirror.

S: Truly that is who you are. We're such pigs.

SBC: What can I say?

S: A true original. Sascha Baron Cohen, thanks for sitting down with me.

SBC: Booyashaka!

When We Were Boys

first appeared at http://www.zygoteinmycoffee.com/

When we were boys
We peed on everything
Anywhere, anytime.

We peed on trees
In the woods
On tires flowers dogs
Fences.
Most pleasantly,
We peed in public pools.
Shamefacedly,
We peed in our beds
And in our good church
pants.

When we were boys
We peed on everything.
Anywhere, anytime.