Saturday, October 10, 2009


Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me?-Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg's koala routine popped into my head this morning while I was working on a project for school. Being the type of person who prefers to be doing anything but what I should be doing, I decided to head over to wikipedia and do some research on Koala bears, because I didn't feel that I knew as much about them as I should. How much exactly should a person know about koala bears? I'm not sure I can answer that, but I'm definitely closer to the mark now than I was before.
Turns out Koalas are one of only a small number of mammals that have fingerprints, so they are not above the reach of the law. They also have incredibly small brains and bifurcated genitalia. The parts of their brains float around inside of their skulls in some kind of fluid, not attached to anything in particular. They are especially susceptible to chlamydia and pink eye (the pink eye is a result of being pooped on by birds while they are engaged in their up to seventy-two hour sleep sessions). So, when they're not passing STDs back and forth like a poorly rolled joint at a Dave Matthews Band concert, they are sleeping cozily in a torrential downpour of bird doo-doo. Koalas: easily the most unchristian animals on planet earth.


common said...

they're also special in the fact that they consume copious amounts of eucalyptus, which is a narcotic and responsible for their unique trait as being one of the only animals in this fair kingdom to possess a brain that is devolving. but they be cute and shit.

GbiZ said...

"their unique trait as being one of the only animals in this fair kingdom to possess a brain that is devolving."

maybe the modern republican party should ditch the elephant and adopt the koala as their totem animal.

Willie Y said...

Except for the eucalyptus breath, what you have discribed is a buddy I use to party with back in the 60's.

Spencer Troxell said...

I'm having a hard time getting over the devolving brain bit too, G. Thanks for adding to the koala mystique, Common.

Willie, I guess the primordial ooze calls to us all in different ways.
I hope your friend didn't wake up covered in bird stuff too many times.