Making Amends

Facebook posts are primarily good for catharsis: celebrating, bragging, and venting about the actions, beliefs, and lifestyles of people who don’t share the immense levels of enlightenment you perceive yourself to possess.

Allow me to indulge in a different kind of post.

When I was 16 or so, I worked at a fast food restaurant for about a year. It was my second job, but my first experience of no-bullshit hard work. I was self absorbed, insecure, and had an undercurrent or anger I didn’t fully understand. There was an older woman (maybe in her 30’s) who worked there. She was generally good natured, and I realize now she probably had some kind of cognitive issue. One night her, a friend of mine, and myself were working drive thru, and we all had our headsets on. My friend and I were saying vulgar jokes to each other. Suddenly, I heard the gruff voice of the general manager come over the headset: ‘Spencer! Get your ass to my office!’

When I got back to his office, he was holding the woman’s headset. She had told on my friend and I. The general manager chewed me out (rightly) for being an asshole, and closed with ‘That woman shouldn’t have to listen to that kind of filth from a young pup like you!’ And sent me back to work. I was embarrassed, but I was also mad at the woman for snitching on me. I kind of remember her trying to smooth things over afterwards, but I was cold, and made some kind of comment about snitching.

A few months later I had quit the job, and was walking through the mall with a different friend. The woman was there with two small children who I assumed were hers. She smiled broadly and waved to me from across the floor. She approached me, one tiny hand in each of her own, and I shouted at her, ‘Fuck you, bitch!’

She looked mortified and shrunk away. My friend, who was similarly placed on the idiot spectrum—thankfully I have better friends now—laughed, and we moved on.

This morning I stopped by a gas station and I am ninety percent certain that same woman—older, heavier, worn down looking—was working 3rd shift. I don’t think she recognized me (because I look older, heavier, more worn down probably), and I couldn’t guess if she’d even remember what a tool I was to her back in the day. It occurred to me that I should apologize to her. 

I brought my items up to the checkout, and began going over how to start the apology. I noticed she had a few blotchy looking tattoos around her wrists, and wondered if she had them when she worked at the restaurant. She scanned my items. I began to speak, and then another customer walked up behind me in line. My courage failed me, and I paid for my items and left.

I don’t know why I chickened out when it came to making amends. I’m usually very forthright and quick to correct my errors (or, I am now anyway).

As I drove away I kept thinking I should turn back, but the distance got greater and greater.

I know where she works now, and what shift, so the apology could still happen. As I’m typing this though, I’m wondering if it was best that I didn’t at that moment. Not apologizing forced me to sit with who I have been, and to reflect on who I am and who I still could become.

I am sorry that I added unnecessary pain to that woman’s life. I’ve thought about her more in the last 30 minutes than I ever did in all the preceding years. 

I’m going to apologize, I just want to make sure it is in as thoughtful a way as possible.