Saying It Out Loud

I am struggling. As a person who is not always great at self care, I’ve decided to try something new by just putting it out there. I have a bad tendency to try to move through troubles like some kind of stoic cowboy, but it occasionally reaches a tipping point where I’m in over my head. Here are 2 anecdotes from my life that illustrate the issue: 1. When my sister’s softball team went to the YMCA when we were little, I decided to try out the deep end of the pool even though I wasn’t a good swimmer. I couldn’t stay afloat and thought I was going to drown. The lifeguard saw me struggling and appeared to be about to jump in to help me, but I smiled and made a hand gesture indicating I was okay in one of the brief moments my head was above water to prevent her from rescuing me. I eventually made it to the side of the pool, but why did I do that? I don’t know. 2. One time I was getting a tooth drilled at the dentist. The dentist had given me Novocain, and was doing that asshole dentist thing of talking to me while there was a suction thing in my mouth and expecting me to answer. At one point he said, ‘Spencer, you’re making faces at me. Are you in too much pain?’ I pulled the sucker thing out of my mouth a little and said, ‘I don’t know. How much pain am I supposed to be in?’ To which he responded, ‘None’. And gave me more Novocain. How much pain am I supposed to be in? What an odd way to approach that. I’m saying it out loud this time, just to try something different. Also, I’m friends with my sons on here, so maybe it’s a good thing to model. Maybe somebody else might find it useful. Maybe I’ll find it useful? Anyway, I’m going to try to get some sleep now. That shit has been pretty touch and go for several days. Thanks for listening.