Bubbles

Today I was in traffic behind a little gray haired lady in a convertible with the top down who was wearing a bright pink fuzzy coat. Her head barely came over the top of the seat and she was all by herself. At a stoplight she pulled out a bubble wand, held it over her head, and started waving bubbles all over the place, and then turned off the road when the light changed. She didn’t give the impression she was doing it for anyone other than herself, and it caused me to feel joy. I was grateful to be present for that, and decided it was worthy of documentation.

Your Story Tells Itself

I used to think outliving others and overachieving would make me the winner, because I would be the one who got to tell the authorized story at the end. Now I realize there is no winning or losing, and if you live authentically and in good faith, your story tells itself.

Eastgate

It’s hard to tell from this photo—if you look close you can kind of see it—but the end of a rainbow just appeared in the cul de sac on my street here in Eastgate. I didn’t see a pot of gold or anything, but I have to take it as a sign that my people aren’t forsaken, and may actually be chosen in some kind of way.

You Have To Believe In Something Bigger Than Yourself

I am generally unbothered by a person’s religious beliefs or political orientation. One thing I absolutely cannot tolerate, however, is an out of towner criticizing Skyline Chili. Some things are just sacred.

Majestic Bean Soup

We won’t know for sure for a few hours, but for now, gaze across the majestic surface of what may be my best soup of all time. The broth is already delicious and the beans havent fully cooked and the chicken breasts in the pot haven’t fully absorbed the juice and been shredded yet. This is going to be a good one.

Core Principals

When I water the begonia Langston got me for my office, I always try to sprinkle water on the leaves and petals after I water the soil. This is because I believe there is a sensual aspect to life that must be honored. We don’t eat just for the nutrients, we don’t talk just to convey information, we don’t make love just to reproduce. The senses are worthy of stimulation, and even plants should be allowed to have a good time.

I Loved This Conversation So Much

We are History

It is both intimidating and humbling to realize the we are the first historical figure our children will do a deep analysis and study of. They will fully understand our worldview, our ethics, our politics...our entire overall philosophy of life, but also be able to balance what we say we believe with what our actions—and their experience of those actions—reveal about what we actually believe. Our children are the foremost scholars of our lives and works, and although they may not write their findings in an actual book, how we interacted with their world is imprinted on every page of their lives.

Different Strokes

I had a little bit of a stroke after midnight on Thursday. I am ok, my face is still a little funny, my battery isn’t charging fully yet, and I have to wear a heart monitor for a month, but I’m glad it happened, and Thursday was a great day for me. I told the boys I was having a stroke and I called 911. Then I told them I loved them and if anything happened to me they should take good care of each other. I texted the woman I love to let her know what was going on, texted the boys’ mom so she would know what was happening and that the boys were safe, and then I texted my boss so he knew I wouldn’t be in to work, and let him know either I or one of my sons would keep him posted. Then I went outside and sat on the front steps of my porch and waited for the ambulance. I felt calm, and wasn’t afraid. I knew the boys would be fine and take care of each other if the worst happened, and I knew there wasn’t anything I needed to say to anyone. I am far from a saint but I try to live right, and I think the way I felt at that moment validated my general approach to life.All of the boys stayed cool. I taught them to be that way. Eliot stayed with Langston, and Lewis rode with me to the hospital and stayed with me through the night. I spent the next day surrounded by people I love and getting messages from people I love. The mood was light and joyous, and I was glad I had cut out a bunch of bad habits a few years before, because God knows it could have been worse had I not. There is nothing wrong or regrettable about having a real experience. They are actually ALL real experiences really. I am happy to be here while I am, and I definitely learned a couple things. I am saving the most important photo from that day for a different occasion, but here are some other pics. The stuffed hedgehog is something Langston bought from the hospital gift shop for me. I named him Strokey.

The Upward Pull of the Human Soul

Tonight, the clouds over Eastgate look like pictures I have seen of towns in Japan at the base of Mount Fuji. If I could find the base of this mountain, I feel like if I climbed to the top I might find God. Maybe he would tell me some deep truth, or maybe he would make me fight him. But these are just clouds. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to grow up with Mount Fuji dominating the horizon. The way it must inform the psychosphere of the people, and contribute to their mythology and outlook on life has to be incredible.

My Philosophy for Time Management

Unless it is on fire, it needs to schedule an appointment.

Grapes

I think grapes have to be the best fruit. Taste wise, it probably goes to watermelon or pineapple, but they lose some points because of portability and the need to carve them. Grapes are delicious, don’t need to be carved, and are easy to carry around. They win.

Always Take Time to Notice the Nice Things

Since it is summer break, the boys were asleep when I left the house for work this morning. As I turned on my car and began to back out of the driveway, my youngest son called me. He wanted to see if I had left yet. I told him I hadn’t, so he ran out to give me a hug and waved at me as I drove off. These little moments are some of my favorites.

GOODBYE BALLOON (a short film by Langston Troxell)

Heroic Sky Over Eastgate

Mission Statement

the project of becoming a human being isnt complete until we die.

Where It All Started

I can pinpoint the exact moment the idea of me being a father occurred to me for the first time. It happened when I was watching a preview copy of Grosse Pointe Blank after midnight when I was an usher at Showcase Cinemas Eastgate (R.I.P.) in 1997. Aside from being a classic all around, my kids can probably thank John Cusack and this particular scene on some level for their very existence.

Pure Terror

I meant to hit the Google icon on my phone’s Home page, but accidentally hit the Bing icon instead. I audibly gasped and my co-workers turned and looked at me with concern. I have never hit the back arrow on my screen so fast in my life.

A List of Things That Are Currently Giving Me Life

1. The band Swans 2. Bill Evans playing piano 3. My Criterion Collection Streaming subscription 4. Avocados with Secret Aardvark hot sauce and cashews 5. The book Morning Star, by Karl Knausgaard 6. Lots and lots of Diet Coke

Potato Soup

My son just told me the potato soup I made for dinner last night was possibly the best he’s ever had. I have been making this simple meal for 20 years now, and literally wing it every time. It was really good, but it would be impossible to recreate. I probably should have written the recipe down at some point, but in a world where you can get whatever you want whenever you want if you have the resources to get it, I am actually happy to know that I have shared something with people I love that they enjoyed, and can never be replicated. Which makes that shared experience sanctified in some way. There is no added value better than that. Also, the idea that I perfected something by accident through mere repitition and with absolutely no intent is rewarding too.

Gratitude

Every now and then my kids tell me how they’re going to spend their money when they get wealthy, and they talk about fixing up the house and taking me to places I’ve wanted to go for vacation. Of course I tell them to save their money, but it honestly makes me think of the way I’ve heard rappers talk about taking care of their moms when they get paid, and I think about how this dynamic is different, and I am also grateful to have kids who are capable of gratitude. There is so much beauty and real shit they’ll encounter in their lives, they will need that gratitude.

Swans

Until about a month ago, I had never listened to Swans. I quickly became obsessed with them and started listening to all of their albums. This weekend I finally got to The Glowing Man, and it may be the most transcendent collection of songs I have ever heard. I felt euphoric listening to it as I drove into work this morning. I am so grateful to learn that music can still move me like this, even as I move further into my 40’s. I am also grateful to learn that there is still life-changing art out there to find. I haven’t seen it all. What a gift life is!

The Sugar

I found out I had diabetes about a month ago when my employer held a free screening event. It probably saved my life, because I would most likely have tried to cowboy my way through the various symptoms I was experiencing until I had a stroke or something. I just took my first dose of medication this morning, and about 30 minutes later I realized I felt significantly better. I almost cried. It’s crazy how we can learn to accept always feeling like shit if the decline is gradual enough. I am happy to be alive, and am grateful for this lesson.