Wednesday, February 6, 2013

January Status Updates

Jan 30: Langston asked to watch star trek as soon as he woke up this morning. I have succeeded as a parent.

Jan 29: Leon trotsky is my spirit brother.

Jan 27: I don't know about you, but i was pretty fucking productive today.

Jan 27: Mopping the floor is one of the most thankless jobs in the world. I guarantee you; even Mother Theresa, The Dalai Llama, and Oprah have walked across a still-wet floor as it was being mopped. If there is a God, and if that God is good, no person who pushes a mop for a living will ever go to hell.

Jan 26: Children are born with an instinct to get themselves in trouble. The job of the parent is to decide whether to teach the child how to get out of or avoid that inevitable trouble altogether, or to teach the child how to elevate that inevitable trouble to an art form.

Jan 25: Jack on Daniel Tosh: "He's a jerk. I want to go on his show and kick him in the balls."

Jan 24: Listening to Catholic radio just now, I heard an advertisement for a 'pro-life plumber'. Why is a plumber's position on abortion a recommendation for their services? Are we afraid the plumber will perform an abortion on our toilet? In that case, wouldn't a pro-choice plumber be even better at the job? What other random political issues should I be tracking for the people I hire to do jobs? I have a pretty good idea what the guy who cuts our grass thinks about immigration, but what about my dentist? Should he have a specific position on the debt ceiling?

Jan 22: Homemade brand chocolate chip ice cream is never a mistake.

Jan 19: It doesn't even matter if the other noises in the house make it hard to hear what he's saying, sometimes it's nice to just have garrison keillor's voice in the background.

Jan 17: A church sign in otr reads 'try jesus: if you don't like it, the devil will gladly take you back." translation: satan will always be there for you.

Jan 17: There are so many wrong answers to the problems of life, and so few right ones. Trying to live morally is a truly humbling endeavor.

Jan 15: Langston was walking through the living room with a full cup of milk, and when some of it spilled he said, "No, milk! Don't do that!" Ah. My kids are cuter than yours.

Jan 15: I don't know why it's considered offensive to call white people 'white bread': it's true that white bread is the least healthy member of the bread family, but it's also the tastiest. Satan would have had an easier time with recruitment if he went around offering folks a nice buttered slice of freshly baked white bread instead of apples. #ruminations over morning toast

Jan 13: The sign in front of the local catholic church reads "may you live every day of your life." i like it.

Jan 8: The only thing i miss about religion is praying for my kids before leaving for work in the morning: i always felt like i was leaving them in good hands (Although it occurs to me now that I am leaving the kids in good hands when I go to work; their mother's hands, and their own hands).

Jan 7: Al Sharpton expends twice the amount of energy formulating a sentence as the average person. It almost seems like the more mundane the statement, the more energy he will invest in making it. Also, it's good that he's gotten into shape, but he's one of those guys who looks weird skinny. That sums up all of my opinions and observations about Al Sharpton.

Jan 7: I think I'm going to start talking to people the way characters from Star Trek: The Next Generation talk to each other. Example: (looks at a wall, adopts a condescending tone of voice) "You know, in humanity's distant past we used to eat paint chips. We don't do that anymore."

Jan 5: One week without energy drinks, and I did it all without Jesus.

Jan 4: Some time last night i think i finally accumulated enough life experience to adequately appreciate e.e. cummings.

Jan 1: My wife is outside working on the car while i make dinner and watch the kids. You know, typical husband/wife stuff.