Body Language

Body language is fascinating.

As someone who has such distinct body language that it is incredibly easy to do an impression of me—I barely move my top lip when speaking, I stroke my beard, touch my ears, fidget with the rings on my fingers, gesticulate like a caricature of a stereotypical Italian mafioso—I find the terrain of body language both informational and treacherous.

When I was a child, up until the time I was a pre-teen, I didn’t know exactly how to be human. I knew what resonated with me when I saw it in others, but I didn’t exactly know how to manifest authentic physical representation of myself until maybe my mid twenties. So, I copied other people. I copied 3 people in particular, to the point that I have completely Zeliged their body language idiosyncrasies into my own behavior to the point that even a decade after finally becoming comfortable with my authentic self, those people who resonated with me and I very intentionally studied and copy-catted are still evident in my day to day interpersonal communications.

The 3 folks I copied: My dad, Levar Burton, Jeff Goldblum.

1. My Dad

I remember the moment my mom chastised my dad for biting his nails. I looked up to my dad. I was small enough to sit in the front child’s seat of a grocery cart at our local Kroger, I remember that clearly. Also, we were in the produce section. I remember at that moment I had discovered one concrete way I could echo the behavior of my father, and I looked down at my hitherto unbitten fingernails. I started chewing. I remember chastising myself for forgetting to bite my nails when they got too long. I kept at it and succeeded in creating a habit. I still bite my nails to this day.

2. Levar Burton

A lot of PBS as a kid. Reading Rainbow was so important. Levar would do this hand gesture when he would say, ‘See you next time!’ I practiced it. It’s just something I do now. PS, thanks to my mom for reading to me when I was little, and thanks to Levar for reinforcing the importance of reading.

3. Jeff Goldblum

My grandfather loaned me a copy of Jurassic Park the book maybe one year before the movie came out. I loved it. I read it in 3 days. I suppose to reinforce that bonding experience, my grandfather took me to see the movie when it came out. The character of Ian Malcolm wasn’t that impressive to me in the book—I was a Muldoon guy—but, Goldblum’s on screen persona rocked me. He was cool and smart and charming, but most importantly, he was fully comfortable with his idiosyncratic conversational tics. The uhms. The ahs. The awkward pauses and gestures. The general sense that he was floating above all of human experience...my kids still point out when I’m Goldbluming.

It has always struck me that however bad we may want to rebel against whatever force in our life, the  laziest way to do it is to embrace the opposite of whatever that force embraced. Dad drank Pepsi? I’ll drink coke. Mom was a democrat? I’m a republican. That’s easy.

What’s not easy is to change behaviors. Reactions to stress, fear, happiness, confrontation, success...these are things our parents taught us not with words, but with the core of their beings. Language is thought out and at least somewhat prepared. Most people don’t strategize body language. No one strategizes sweat or red ears. One of my favorite quotes from some dead catholic is ‘Preach the gospel at all times. Use words when necessary’. Maybe you are drinking Pepsi now instead of Coke, but what noise do you make when that sugary liquid hits your taste buds? Plus, it’s still soda.

And it’s the same for body language. Whatever clever word games we use to convince the world we are who we say we are, our body—more often than not—is telling the world who we actually are.