Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Mr. President: Bring The Evil

Mr. President,

It may have been brought to your attention by now that a certain segment of our country—mainly in the Midwest and the South—think that you are a bad, no good, evil man, bent on destroying our country; or, as Bill Moyers so aptly summarized their feelings about you the other night on his show, they think you are “a black nationalist from Kenya smuggled into the United States to kill Sarah Palin's baby”. The unfortunate thing about this is, of course, that this isn’t an adequate definition of you at all. You seem to be a decent man, not some kind of scheming pawn of some ingenious reptilian new world order plot. Not only do you seem to be a decent man, but you also seem to be a political pragmatist. You’ve conducted yourself reasonably since you’ve been in office, and have gone about instituting your policies in a reasonable fashion, seeking consensus almost to a fault.

Yet these people are still fuming. I think I have a solution to deactivating some of their antipathy: You need to do something evil.

It’s just that there’s nothing very sexy or insidious about healthcare reform or addresses to school children. Once you get past the hyperbole and down to brass tacks, one of these issues is really wonky (healthcare) and the other is silly (school addresses). These people think you’re a tyrant, Mr. Obama. They want you to come after their guns, force them to get down on a prayer mat and face Mecca, or to insist that every American turn their basement into a gay disco once a month. They expect you to force their children into some kind of Hitler Youth/Acorn hybrid after school program. They want to hate you in a really bad way, and you’re selfishly not making it easy on them. You’re forcing them to make so many silly things up about you, when all you really need to do is to commit some kind of small atrocity. Do something evil, Mr. President, just one thing, and give these unhappy people a cathartic experience. They’ll be able to say, ‘see? We told you!’ and we’ll say, ‘well, you’ve got a point. We agree with President Obama on healthcare and Cap-and-Trade, but he sure did drown a grocery bag full of puppies in the Potomac".

These people need to let off some steam. Hell, maybe after you commit your one time despicable act, they’d even be willing to sit down and talk issues (or at least go back to their day-to-day lives watching police procedurals and listening to talk radio). You’re stubbornly not giving them any red meat, Mr. President, and these dogs are hungry. They don’t like having to make all of this stuff up. Creativity is hard, and blind hatred is so easy.

So, get to it sir. Insist that every American put one of those little Chik-Filet car finder thingy’s on their car antennae. Put Spike Lee on money. Smack John Boehner across the face. Take on a few more wives. If you don’t like any of my suggestions, I’m sure you could enlist an endless number of elite liberal writers to concoct something even more outrageous.

I have faith in you, Mr. President. I look forward to hearing you peal out your thoroughly practiced maniacal laugh during your next live address to a joint session.


Spencer Troxell (a citizen)

cross posted at The Daily Kos


powermadrecluse said...

A very good and humorous post. It made part of my day. I was about ready to drown a sack full of puppies; and then I remembered, I voted liberal this time around, why not let the government do it for me. Thanks Spencer.

- The Phil

Spencer Troxell said...

You liberals want the government to do everything for you. Roll up your sleeves and go drown your own bagful of puppies. It's what Thomas Jefferson would've wanted you to do.

Willie Y said...

How about giving the speech to congress tonight in a Nazi uniform, they look soooooo cool.

Spencer Troxell said...

That's a good one, but to totally complete the moment he would have to wink obnoxiously at the cameras from time to time.

GbiZ said...

funny. the roseanne clip was a nice touch although Im not totally sure I get the connection.

Lodo Grdzak said...

I disagree that hardcore Republicans and southern hickey-doos think Obama's a black nationalist from Kenya trying to kill Palin's baby. What I think is that they're trying to paint him out to be a black nationalist trying to kill a white woman's baby. There's a big difference and its sad that Moyers and those in the media keep buying into this concept. That Repubs and Conservative a-holes actually believe this shit they spew. They dont. Not a word. Stop giving them credit for actually believing it. They believe in only one thing. Money. They are motivated by only (2) things fear and money--the latter a pathetic attempt to shelter them them from the former. Weapons of mass destruction = lie. How many died? How much money was made? Who made it?

Bush won in 2000. Lie. How many died? Who made money?

Euthanasia counseling's a required aspect of the new health Care bill. Lie. But who stands to make money if you believe it? I can go on and on.

I spoke to a Republican yesterday. He told me he had a vision for the future. I asked "Is it a world where everyone has health insurance?"

"No" he answered.

"Is it a country the relies on clean-burning fuels and natural energy?" I asked.

"No" he responded.

"Well, what's your vision?" I asked.

"I envision turning my garage into a spare bedroom with a bumper pool table when I get my tax cut."

Now that's an honest Republican!

Spencer Troxell said...

G: I'm not too sure I get the connection totally either.

Lodo: I think you paint republicans with too broad a brush. I think there are perfectly good reasons to declare allegiance to either party, or no party at all. There have been republicans throughout history that I've admired, and there are republicans today that I admire, in both my personal life, and as an observer of politics.

I would agree with you that I think a lot of the big names who perpetuate lies about the president & his policies don't believe them themselves, but I think a lot of people who absorb those lies are desperate on a primal, psychological level to hate the president, and are willing to believe a lot if it vindicates some of their more primal instincts. A lot of people don't rely on facts or reason to come to the beliefs they declare, which is part of what I was parodying in this piece.

Thanks for reading everyone!

Spencer Troxell said...

PS, the little 'I spoke to a republican riff' at the end of your comment was funny and well constructed. Good job!

Lodo Grdzak said...

Well Spence, if you want to go back to the days of Lincoln and whatnot Im sure you can find a few Republicans worth a shit. But with the release of the Nixon White House notes we know that he not only didn't give a shit in private if a woman had an abortion or not, but actually felt it necessary when a baby was the result of mixed races. So there's a perfect example of what Im talking about. You really think things have changed? You really think Mark Sanford gives a shit if a woman has an abortion? You really think that Senator from Nevada who got caught cheating and paying off hush money gives a shit?

Let me ask you something else. Imagine its the 1960's and African-Americans are pushing for civil-rights and voter registration reform. Which of todays Republicans would support them and how many would say..."Oh, maybe in time. We have to think this through. This is radical change were talking about."

I know that John Mccain never supported MLK Day till he was forced to do so. And Sara palin? Please. She probably wants to go back to those pre-1960's days right now.

I have never once said people should support Democrats. Show me where I did and I'll eat my hat. But Republicans? Never! 75% of them to this day still say they'd support Palin. Thats a fact, man. They're a loser party of people with about as much vision as mole rats.

Spencer Troxell said...

You have a strong point in regard to civil rights. Everyone knows that the reason so many dixiecrats became republicans was because of civil rights. I can't foresee myself voting for a federal level republican again, unless there is some kind of strange development. I'm just uncomfortable painting an entire group of people with too broad a brush. Oympia Snowe, Bob Inglis, and Charlie Crist are some national level republicans that I currently have respect for. I think George Will, Dennis Prager, and Andrew Sullivan are all impressive thinkers, even if I don't always agree with their conclusions. Personally, I know a few republicans/conservatives that I have a deep respect for, and understand their rationale for arriving at their economic conclusions, even if I have come to different conclusions. The man who turned me onto American History in a serious way was a lawyer and former Republican councilman from a local district. So, that's all I'm saying. Not all republicans are social issue hounds. In spite of some of his deep personal flaws (and illegal behaviors), I would say that Nixon was fairly moderate and reasonable in some ways. Gerald Ford wasn't a terrible man either. I don't even disagree with everything that both Bushes and Reagan did. I'm willing to look past a person's flaws to see what is good in them. Remember, I'm the guy who just wrote an honorific tribute to Ted Kennedy.

I'm not talking about conspiracy theorists or Sarah Palin groupies here. I'm talking about people with philosophical reasons for preferring limited government and a strong national defense. I can see where they're coming from on those issues. There surely are cynical people, and there surely are scary true believers. There are also pragmatists, realists, and humanists. They can be members of any political party.

PS: I never said that you suggested people vote democrat. I said "I think there are perfectly good reasons to declare allegiance to either party, or no party at all.", which is notably different.

Willie Y said...

If there are reasonalble Repulicans were are their voices. There are very few on the right that will come out and say the birthers or the killing of grandma is a lie. One of the only conservatives that I hear that is caling out these nuts, is Joe Scarborough.

Spencer Troxell said...

It's true. Silence can say a lot. leaders who aren't willing to risk unpopularity or conflict to correct obvious lies and errors aren't good leaders. That's why I give such mad props to Bob Inglis, and any other reasonable republican/conservative who has flatly and unequivocally rejected such silliness.

You know that Ann Coulter blatantly disregarded the legitimacy of the birther argument, right? I don't suspect most people take that stuff too seriously. But since we like a show in the U.S., the cameras will always seek out the craziest elements.

Spencer Troxell said...

Lodo: I forgot to mention Dwight D. Eisenhower in my list of admirable Republicans. I like Ike.

GbiZ said...

Christopher Buckley. LL Cool J. Barry Goldwater...here to help.

Spencer Troxell said...

I'm not sure LL Cool J would make my short list of great Republicans (nothing personal), but I appreciate the extra names. Goldwater was good on gay rights, and Buckley is a good writer.