The circle of life

The fact that my kids are only aware of Tom Waits’s version of Downtown Train, and don’t know Rod Stewart covered it (and honestly may not even know who Rod Stewart is) is, to me, the cultural equivalent of watching the earth reclaim an abandoned strip mall.

Spiritual Cleaning

I’m on vacation this week, and have so far dedicated myself to deep cleaning my house. I haven’t relaxed, but my body aches in a righteous way, and I feel that if I were asked to preside over a death penalty trial right now, my verdict would deliver the purest form of justice, because my house is so goddamn clean. ‘As Above, so below, as within, so without, as the universe, so the soul’ - Hermes Trismegistus

Song: So Nice

Don’t Make Me Talk To Your Kids

My neighbors have complained to me about the number of cats I have. But they have like a thousand kids who are always riding their stupid little tricycles when I get home from work and just want to sit in my car for a minute and smoke a cigarette and watch a few YouTube videos with my windows down. And these little goblins always try to talk to me. Whatever complaints they have about my cats, at least the cats know their place and don’t try to fucking talk to you. My cats are respectful. They just do cat stuff. To my neighbors, maybe try using a condom? I shouldn’t have to talk to the result of you lacking personal discipline.

If I Had A Time Machine

My standard for good cornbread was set in 2nd grade when we had a substitute teacher during the week of Thanksgiving. The substitute—who I can’t even remember her name, but I remember the cornbread, brought in her family recipe cornbread for our school’s Thanksgiving feast, and I was so blown away by it that I asked for seconds. She was clearly happy about cutting me out another slice, and recommended I dip it in the generic hot sauce she brought along. This is also the first time I think I tried hot sauce. I have been trying to recreate this recipe every time I make cornbread for years, and have failed miserably. It tasted better than any cornbread I had ever had, and the only discernible difference I can isolate in retrospect is that it was very sweet, and had whole cooked pieces of corn in it. If I had a time machine, I’d go back and get the recipe. And then maybe kill baby Hitler.

Apocalypse Always

I haven’t seen the movie Apocalypse Now, but I’m going to go ahead and make my directorial debut on the next two installments of the trilogy: ‘Apocalypse Later’, and ‘Apocalypse? Oh, We Did That 3 Days Ago’.

My Approach To Music

Soul is not a destination you can arrive at by plugging a formula into a calculator.

Song: Addiction

Song: Your Body Lets You Know

Song: I Didn’t Mean To Hurt Your Feelings

Song: Time Moves Slower For Smaller Creatures

Video: When Our Time Comes

LOL. Edging.

travel restrictions

The first order of the new Biden administration has to be to ban immigration from Ukraine or wherever the fuck Milania came from. No thanks to that bullshit.

One Request

If I can make one request of Donald Trump, sir, please, when they drag you out of the White House, please be wearing a wife beater, flip flops, and sweat pants.

Red Dragon Voting

The most nihilistic thing someone could do on voting day is wait calmly in this long ass line, politely accept the ballot for your precinct, walk into the booth, and then loudly tear it to pieces, chew them up, swallow them, and walk out.

Sad.

What if I only like America? What if we’re just friends? Also, Trump’s 60 Minutes walk out was so pathetic and the perfect end for a movie about a guy with an emotionally distant and abusive father who spent his whole life trying to project an image of power and confidence while being deeply insecure and wounded, all the while being—in his heart—a bitchy, petty, theater queen (which Donald Trump is). He did sound so wounded and oblivious and petty in that interview. I’ll watch that movie when it’s made, but I can’t wait to be done with this sad and destructive character.

HR

 Is there any religion with an equivalent to the Human Resources Department? Let me know and I’ll convert. I need to file a complaint.

Bacon Grease

 I left a frying pan full of bacon grease on the stove top to cool, with the intention of scooping it out and throwing it away in the morning. Unfortunately, my dog, who is a tall person, managed to take the pan off the oven last night and eat all of the grease. Even though I had to spend the first part of the morning cleaning up the Goopy, Lovecraftian shit that resulted in, I still expect this to be a good day. Nice try, Satan.

Video: Did You Know That It’s Free (If You Steal It)?

 video by Lewis Troxell.

My 9 Year Old Has A Plan

My 9 year old, gesturing towards the glove box in my car, which he just opened: ‘Daddy, if we ever needed to rush a baby hedgehog to the hospital, I would put him in here with a bunch of bedding. We’d just go. Pedal to the metal’.

Last Night’s Debate

 As someone who is to the left of Chairman Mao, I am not a fan of either of the two major parties in America. They’re both neoliberal, right-wing imperialist parties, and the presidential race is largely a battle between which ticket gets to manage our declining empire. I said previously that I will vote for Biden/Harris largely to model citizenship to my children, and because I am an anti-fascist. I haven’t been excited about Biden/Harris, but I do have to say I appreciated Kamala Harris’s performance in last night’s debate. All of these debates are largely substance free and aimed at low information voters, but her presentation was statesmanlike and humane. And Mike Pence, of course, is a fucking pig. I feel more comfortable with Biden because she is incrementally better, and will no doubt have a big role in his administration.

Great Men

 The myth of The Great Man is so toxic to American males. There are no great men. These are idols that have had their humanity removed. There are good men though, and we can be good men. Primarily by understanding ourselves, being honest about our wounds, allowing ourselves to heal and be what we are, and being present for other men as they do the same. We can model these things for our young people so they’re not caught up in the same pursuit of a false identity that we have been caught up in. Cycles can be broken.

Will You Help Us?

 I’m starting a new movement called NMAP. It stands for ‘No More Acronyms Please’. That shit is hard to remember.

Rainbows

 Rainbows even happen over the Wal Mart parking lot. I take this to mean either we all deserve signs and blessings, or God just shakes the coins out of his pants at the end of the day and they land wherever. I’m cool with either interpretation.

America Is Trash

 3 counts of wanton endangerment means the pigs who murdered Breonna Taylor are receiving justice for the property damage and lives they might have endangered by firing the guns they used TO MURDER BREONNA TAYLOR, but not for the actual crime of murdering an innocent woman. No manslaughter or murder charges. All charges are related to what the bullets that ended Breonna’s life might have done to the people/property outside of the crime scene. There is no justice in this fascist, white supremacist country, and they are rubbing our noses in it.

These may be the most beautiful Brussel Sprouts I have ever seen.

 

If This Isn’t Nice

 What a goddamn beautiful day. The weather is great. I feel good. I’m chilling with my sons, and they’re all happy. Hell yeah.

“And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is’.” - Kurt Vonnegut

The Proud People of Eastgate

 I know I make jokes about Living in Eastgate from time to time, but ultimately, it is all with love. For good or ill, these are my people. Driving up to Kroger to get ingredients for S’mores, because it’s a relatively cool night, and good for a backyard fire, wearing a tank top and a Kangol hat, chain smoking menthol cigarettes with my windows down and Type O Negative’s cover of Summer Breeze blaring, I pull into a spot next to a guy who is probably my age and is aging just as badly, wearing a visor, full sleeve tattoos, loading his trunk with groceries while 3 to 5 different kids are yelling things at him. The guy hears my music and says, ‘Type O Negative? Hell yeah.’ And I say, ‘Hell yeah’, totally unironically, and go into the store to get stuff for my backyard fire. This is my place.

No Invincible Armies

 “History has shown there are no invincible armies” - Joseph Stalin

This quote should give aid and comfort to anyone experiencing a struggle of any kind, whether personal or working towards a higher goal, whatever the odds look like. No obstacle is insurmountable.

There Is No Longer Any Point

 I forgot that I had just chopped up a Serrano pepper and rubbed my eyes. Now my face is on fire. My life is ruined.

Vehicle Maintenance

It is so dumb that only now, at the age of 39, am I fully appreciating the importance of vehicle maintenance. Both of my literal car, but also my own overall health. To realize that my actual car probably serves as the perfect metaphor for my own personal health is alarming, which those who have seen my car will appreciate. We all want to be happy and successful, but if you’re working hard at achieving goals and helping others, but neglecting the vehicles you use to navigate this world, you are self-limiting, and are destined to break down. Here’s to being less dumb about that type of shit.

Let’s Go For A Walk

So, when I’m taking Loki for a walk, and I sit down in the grass somewhere, and he’s finally ready to move on, he comes up and grabs the leash with his mouth and tries to reverse walk me by tugging on it. I am significantly more stubborn than him though, but I always appreciate effort.

Journalism

At U Scan, paying for my items:

Girl at the U Scan next to me: are you humming?

Me: (totally in my own world, still humming): What? Oh yeah. I guess I am.

Girl: Cool. Sounds nice.

Me: (mildly irritated by the fact that a stranger just praised my public humming for the sake of social convention—which by the way, she had no business commenting on—but also realizing I am not good at being a person in public, and feeling awkward about it): Totally.

No further conversation occurs, I pay for my purchases, gather my bags, and leave the store. This is journalism.

Hippothetical

My son and I created a new word today that is sure to become a fixture in everyday human vernacular:

Hippothetical: planning for, or conjecture about the possible involvement of hippos in any given scenario.

“Hippothetically speaking, we should probably bring a few heads of lettuce on this trip to Dollar General, just in case we run into some angry hippos”.

Pack Mentality

At a stoplight listening to Hungry Like the Wolf by Duran Duran and the guy in the car next to me yells, ‘I just turned off my music because I’m hungry like the wolf!’

I think we’re best friends now.

Respect Our Veterans

Our country is very vocal about honoring those who served, which is fine, but what I am concerned about is how little we honor those who got served. It’s not easy to show up on that dance floor, and to lose gracefully is a forgotten virtue. If you are someone who ever got served, I just want to say thank you for your service.

Michael Brooks

 I have listened to Michael Brooks on a daily basis since about 2016, and he has been a formative influence on my politics and worldview, which is weird for me, because he was 2 years younger than me, and I have an unfortunate habit of being primitively combative with men in my own age range, whether I know them or not. He died suddenly yesterday from a blood clot in his throat, and I found out about it late last night. I’m trying to figure out why this has fucked me up so badly today. I don’t romanticize famous people, and am normally good at accepting bad news stoically. I’m legitimately upset by his passing though, and if anyone isn’t aware of who he is, the first hour of the majority report today is a pretty good encapsulation. Whether or not you know about this man in particular, I guess the point of this post is that life is delicate and brief. Love people. Tell them you love them, tell them what you like about them, be honest, try to make the world better, and live the shit out of your life.

Philosophical Dilemma

This is the drama that has already been my morning:

I wake up from interesting dreams feeling very comfy in my bed. I look at the clock and realize I have 15 minutes to savor this moment before the alarm goes off. But I realize I have to pee.

I’ve been here before, and realize these are my options:

1. Lay in bed until the alarm goes off trying to ignore the discomfort of having to pee, and focus on savoring the magical pre-alarm clock/comfy bed situation. However, isn’t this a lie? I have to pee.

2. Run to the bathroom as quickly as possible, do my business, come back, and attempt to recreate this cozy atmosphere. But is this really possible? Part of the magic of the moment is the half-awake mental state. Dream images linger hazily, and it feels as if I could easily step in and out of both kingdoms. Once I’m out of bed and light hits my eyes, and I am doing things in and of this world, the doorway to the other world will definitely disappear. And how likely am I to realistically rediscover that comfy spot before the alarm goes off?

3. Accept that some nice things are brief. It’s over. Get up and start the day. I was lucky to have a nice moment. To torture myself trying to prolong it is absurd. ‘We will always have Paris.’

Which one would you choose, and what does this say about your character?

I Vote!

What is the goal of this bumper sticker, exactly? A lot of people who are different things vote. ‘I’m a mime and I vote’. ‘I’m 5’7 and I vote’. ‘I wake up in the middle of the night because I’m sure I just ate a spider and I’m terrified, and I Vote’. What’s the deal?

Nicknames

Today while I was waiting in a line, the guy in front of me greeted some young man who appeared to work at the location with a gleeful ‘What’s up Stitch Fix!’, to which the young man gave an enthusiastic ‘Good morning!’, seeming to feel empowered by his welcome. The guy in front of me turned around and told me, ‘We call him Stitch Fix because his mom dresses him’.

Trust Falls

My youngest son and I have a pretty good relationship, but when I ask him if I can have a chip and he magnanimously holds out the bag, I always notice him low-key checking that I only took one when I pull my hand back out.

Reflecting

Man. Looking at some Facebook memories right now and seeing a weaker, more naive me not ready for the earth-shattering life changes that came my way about 5 years ago. The memories are almost like years of strata leading up to a cataclysmic event. A small part of me wishes I could time travel back to comfort myself in those dark times and let that version of me know how much stronger and focused and alive I would become after weathering that storm, but then I realize part of what made me strong was going through that experience alone, and another part realizes that the person I see in these memories actually died during the process so that the person I have become could live, so who would I really be comforting? I am sad for the struggles that man went through as he died, but am grateful for the life and power I feel inside of myself now. The best remembrance I can offer the old, dead me is to continue to grow and love and learn, and to drink my fill from the cup of this life, and to share with others how to do the same.

Keeping It Professional

When you re: a passive-aggressive work e-mail that both rises to the challenge presented and manages to contain a plausibly deniable ‘fuck you’ to the person who sent it.

Man of the People

I’m sitting outside of Wal-Mart in a tank top and gas station hat waiting for my son to come out. I’m listening to The Bloodhound Gang with my windows down, but not too loudly. A young family (husband+wife+young male child) parks next to me in a really nice car, and gets out dressed very nicely, and the husband clocks me and the music I’m listening to and smiles, then gets the wife’s attention, points at me, and says, ‘See? Wal-Mart.’ and they both laugh.

I’m still processing this.

The Real Heroes

After 39 years on this planet, I can say definitively that the human beings I feel the most empathy for and solidarity with are the restaurant employees sneaking out to the dumpster to quickly smoke as much of a cigarette as they can before someone comes looking for them.

Be An Informed Voter!

I created a Venn Diagram re: the upcoming presidential election that is 100% accurate and I hope you will find useful.

Acquiescence

I just realized I have probably never said the word ‘acquiescence’ out loud in my life. I’m a little worried I’m going to try to shoehorn it in somewhere in the coming days inappropriately.

Gas Station Ladies

The middle-aged ladies who work 3rd shift at gas stations are always so nice. I wonder if there are ever lonely insomniacs who consciously or subconsciously make up an excuse to go in and buy something just to have a nice woman call them baby/sugar/doll/honey, etc. When they tell you to have a good morning you really believe it.

Those Who Do Not Move

I’ll probably regret this
But I’m going to do it anyway
I’ll probably regret this
But I’m going to do it anyway

The only way to learn what is hot
Is to pass your hand across the fire

This is probably going to hurt
But I’m going to say it out loud
This is probably going to hurt
But I’m going to say it out loud

Better to be cast out for my words
Than to choke on the blood of a bitten tongue

I know I’m going to die
So I might as well grab this moment
I know it and I know it well
So I will grab this moment

I will inhabit it and mark it and spray paint the walls
Yes, I will leave my stink all over it

A Moment

I am currently very sick, and had to drive to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription, but didn’t feel well enough to make the full trip home, so I pulled over at a local park, rolled down my windows, and fell asleep. When I woke up, some mail man was pulled up next to me—presumably on his lunch break—listening to an audiobook about string theory. When I first looked at him about 30 minutes ago, he had his arms crossed over his chest and was very clearly listening intently and nodding his head at parts. I’ve listened along with him for awhile, but am going to head home and go back to bed. I wanted to document this though, because it was a nice experience.

The Police Are Rioting

Has anyone else ever wondered how they decide which ‘cool cop’ videos they have stored up to roll out whenever some police officer somewhere does something horrible? I have to guess it depends on the national response. People mad online? Here’s a video of a cop taking time to tie an Ethiopian boy’s shoes on the subway. People taking over police precincts and burning things down? Holy shit, pull out the classic ‘cop pulls kid over and is amazed when he finds out kid can juggle’. 

The bottom line is, if you are of the people, and you see the people rising up, make sure not to participate in the dampening of that righteous fire by spreading ‘good cop’ propaganda. They have guns and power. They don’t need you to advocate for them, or to muddy the water. There really is no middle ground.

* Also, here’s a social media challenge: keep in mind how many woke white liberals were talking about police reform right after George Floyd’s death. Remember the reforms and abolitions they either directly supported or co-signed while that was the hot story. Notice how nothing changed. Keep talking about the issue. Notice the white liberal silence. Then remember what taking over a police precinct in Minneapolis, and then in Seattle, actually accomplished. They don’t count votes, but they do notice when their shit gets caught on fire.

Get Hyped!

"If you are immune to boredom, there is literally nothing you cannot accomplish." - David Foster Wallace

Just remember the movie It Follows: your goals are the people who have inherited the curse, and you are the monster slowly and laboriously pursuing them. They will have to sleep eventually, but not you. No, you will keep coming.

I’m pretty sure that is the creepiest motivational advice I can offer.

Family Values

There are 3 people I love the most

The father the son and the Holy Ghost

Don’t have anything to do with my folks
We’re just sitting here cracking jokes:

I’m down with Langston still coming up

Down with Jack he don’t give a fuck

I roll with Eliot he’s on his way

And homosexuals? 

You know they all gay

We all know Bush did 9-11

We all know this moment

This is heaven

We out here chilling 

Talking all kinds of shit

And our souls?

They’re all well lit

I do the dishes

And I sweep the floors

We’re talking about

What are we here for?

We don’t know,

But it’s all good

We don’t know

So maybe you should

Pack it up,

Light it up,

Make it up,

Fire it up,

Just do something

Do what you like,

Don’t do nothing,

It’s alright.

I’m just saying

I love my kids

I’m no philosopher

God or prince

But I know we’re making good

On our promise

There is no line

No space between us

I do the dishes

And I sweep the floors

We’re talking about

What are we here for?

We don’t know,

But it’s all good

We don’t know

So maybe you should

Pack it up,

Light it up,

Make it up,

Fire it up,

Just do something

Do what you like,

Don’t do nothing,

It’s alright.

Ever since I was very young, it has bothered me to throw any disposable receptacle I am using away without it’s lid. I don’t know if it’s because I took the Brave Little Toaster too seriously when I saw it in kindergarten, or what, but when I was a little boy I definitely anthropomorphized both the bottle and the lid, and hated the thought that they would be separated due to my carelessness after spending so much time together. I just lost the lid to my water, and am hoping maybe this split up will actually be a positive change for both of them.

The End of the Movie

One of the scariest things about Donald Trump—and the thing that finally pushed me to commit to voting for Joe Biden—is the fact that he lives for TV ratings, and that is literally ALL he lives for (he is a sociopath with no actual Ideology). In his mind, history begins and ends with him, and the world is watching, and he knows he has to make the end of the story dynamite, so it will live long past him. At this point, his main goal—as an elderly, unhealthy man with only a few years left—has to be to deliver a shocking, chart topping ending to the only story that matters, which is of course his story. We got a preview of his story arc when he had peaceful protesters tear gassed so he could do a photo-op with an upside down bible, but I am terrified to think of what dramatic moves he will make in the final scene of the movie, especially if he realizes he is losing his re-election to someone as cartoonish as Joe Biden. Here is to hoping the narcissistic fantasies of this sad man’s dying brain cause as few human casualties as possible.

Compassion

I just want to say, I had to cancel some appointments with clients today due to me needing a sick day, and the fact that 100% of their responses were to express understanding and to wish me well, was heartbreakingly beautiful. These young people are either homeless or on the verge of homelessness, and still manage to be compassionate and patient...It is an admirable and humbling trait I’m not sure I could emulate if I was in such danger.

Driving Ettiquette

Sincere apologies to anyone who recognizes me on the road and honks to say hello, and just sees me stare dumbly in their general direction. That’s a real small response window, and when I’m driving I am normally deep into my own thoughts. To decide whether or not I should wave or flip someone off in that kind of space is virtually impossible.

So You Want To Be A Comrade

When you live in an immoral society, the only way to be virtuous is to commit crimes. If it can’t get you locked up, if it won’t be put on your permanent record—or come up when a potential employer googles you after an interview—it’s not solidarity.

School of the Americas

If ANTIFA is a terrorist organization now, does that mean the C.I.A. is going to start funding us? Because I could really use the support for my mortgage and student loans. Plus, one of my sons has a birthday coming up.

Make America Fascist Again

Donald Trump might be the stupidest person ever, along with his other gross and pathetic character traits.

1. ANTIFA is not an organization. It’s an idea. It’s a way of life, really. Think Captain America.

2. ANTIFA, for those unaware, means Anti-Fascist.

3. Welcome to the America where the President deems being Anti-Fascist a terrorist act.

At the very least, at least all the masks are off, and everyone knows exactly who everyone else is.

Heed the Muse

This weather is inspirational on a spiritual level. I want to start a fire, read poetry, have sex, cook a meal, talk to interesting people, build something out of wood, and listen to good music. In no particular order. Honestly, it might also be nice to get into a fist fight with a total stranger in a parking lot. I’m open to everything.

Chickens Always Come Home To Roost

The Highest Point In Culture

Still me. All the time. Ben Affleck may think he got into acting for more grandiose reasons than to be the guy in this meme, but the guy in this meme is the realest and most resonant character in all of art.

God Is Trash

If God made me
And all things return
To whence they came
I am God

If God made me
And I am trash
Then God is trash

Your Own Space

"I am alone. There is no God where I am." - Aleister Crowley

This quote popped out at me the other day, and it's stuck around. I know I have family and friends who I love and who love me back, but I don't think that's the aloneness Crowley is talking about. To realize that I am alone on a spiritual level...to realize that I am free to create myself day after day is liberating. There's nothing to fear about being alone. You really can't know yourself in a crowd. There is richness in the cosmic silence and absence of God(s). At my best moments, I like to listen to the silence. It's peaceful. It lets me know where I'm at.

Drinking the Mortal Brew: You’ve Got To Tolerate all Those People That You Hate

"We honor our characters as if they were distinctive to ourselves, whether we have worthy characters snd are admired by men or not. Therefore, We must esteem the characters of our neighbors, if they are friendly to us."-Epicurus, 7th Vatican Saying.

I love Epicurus's qualifiers: "If they are friendly to us".

Loving your enemies can be tiresome. You don't have to hate them, mind you (that can be even more exhausting), but loving them requires a huge investment that doesn't promise any returns; and besides, how many of us who attempt to 'love' our enemies really act as if we love them? How often is the love we feel for those who hate us really either just a self-aggrandizing veneer, or a sharp tool we use to beat ourselves down with when we realize that we are incapable of wishing well those who wish us ill? Why not just be honest about it?

Instead of choosing one or the other emotional extreme, Epicurus advocated that we tolerate the personality traits of those we encounter that do us no real harm, and as pertains to the other poles, I guess it's carte blanche. Destroy your enemies and love your friends to your heart's content. I endorse this position.

It may sound cold to advocate the destruction of your enemies, but sometimes it is necessary. And consider this: one of the best and most effective way of destroying your enemies is to turn them into friends. Discovering a mutual self-interest with an enemy can take you far away from a situation that would undoubtedly lead to much pain and suffering for both parties if it were allowed to escalate.

The genius and realism of Epicurus is notable in this Vatican saying: rather than calling us to strive for some kind of unrealistic ethereal ideal, he suggests that we understand our more carnal aspects. The poet Robert Bly has a lot to say about the way in which we unrealistically deal with our carnal aspects in his wonderful essay 'The Long Bag We Drag Behind Us':

"Behind us we have an invisible bag, and the part of us our parents don’t like, we, to keep our parents’ love, put in the bag. By the time we go to school our bag is quite large. Then our teachers have their say: “Good children don’t get angry over such little things.”  So we take our anger and put it in the bag. By the time my brother and I were twelve in Madison, Minnesota we were known as “the nice Bly boys.” Our bags were already a mile long.

Then we do a lot of bag-stuffing in high school. This time it’s no longer the evil grownups that pressure us, but people our own age."

he then adds what the consequences of all of this stuffing-into-the-bag is:

"We spend our life until we’re twenty deciding what parts of ourself to put into the bag, and we spend the rest of our lives trying to get them out again. Sometimes retrieving them feels impossible, as if the bag were sealed. Suppose the bag remains sealed-what happens then? A great nineteenth-century story has an idea about that. One night Robert Louis Stevenson woke up and told his wife a bit of a dream he’d just had. She urged him to write it down; he did, and it became “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” The nice side of the personality becomes, in our idealistic culture, nicer and nicer. The Western man may be a liberal doctor, for example, always thinking about the good of others. Morally and ethically he is wonderful. But the substance in the bag takes on a personality of its own; it can’t be ignored. The story says that the substance locked in the bag appears one day somewhere else in the city. The substance in the bag feels angry, and when you see it it is shaped like an ape, and moves like an ape.

The story says then that when we put a part of ourselves in the bag it regresses. It de-evolves toward barbarism. Suppose a young man seals a bag at twenty and then waits fifteen or twenty years before he opens it again. What will he find? Sadly, the sexuality, the wildness, the impulsiveness, the anger, the freedom he put in have all regressed; they are not only primitive in mood, they are hostile to the person who opens the bag. The man who opens his bag at forty-five or the woman who opens her bag rightly feels fear. She glances up and sees the shadow of an ape passing along the alley wall; anyone seeing that would be frightened."

that essay can be found in a book by Bly called 'A Little Book on the Human Shadow', and I recommend it.

The message of Epicurus and Robert Bly is pretty clear here: Be honest about your shit, and deal with it honestly.

It's much less scary that way, and the results you get will be infinitely better.

H.P. Lovecraft on Why You Shouldn’t Kill Yourself

It may seem strange to most people that one would need a reason not to commit suicide, but there are those of us out there who need one. To some, knowing that the self checkout lane is open is actually a consolation. Hunter S. Thompson said "If I didn't know I could commit suicide at any moment, life would be unbearable". Of course, there are many reasons not to kill yourself. ' This Too Shall Pass' is the protective motto of those traversing the Territory of the blackest mind. The transitory nature of everything is reason enough to see if you can ride it out when it comes to depressed states, mixed states, and plain old bad luck.

Far be it from me to suggest such a thing is easy. As a person who has traversed this black landscape, I understand how the poisoned mind can laugh at our stoic bearings. Far be it from me also to suggest that there is anything inherently evil, selfish, or wrong about suicide. Sometimes, suicide is in fact a reasonable choice. Some choose to end their lives rather than experience prolonged pain and suffering connected to a chronic illness. I understand this choice, and would probably choose it for myself if it ever seemed necessary. Also, suicide is often committed by people with mental health issues. They do this while in the grips of a disease, and faulting a person who kills themselves in such a state is akin to faulting a person with a heart disorder for dying of a heart attack.

One of the ways we manage to survive is to remind ourselves of the transitory nature of our suffering. Another is to participate in therapy or counseling. Another is to take medication that is appropriate to our illness, exercise, eat healthy, and get good rest. Another way is to seek out folks who share our experience and struggle, and to empathize with them and learn from their hard won wisdom (all wisdom is hard won, isn't it?).

That brings me to the excerpt I wanted to share with you. I am a huge H.P. Lovecraft fan. I love his stories, but what I am coming to love even more than his stories are his letters. He was a great letter writer, and in the below excerpt he talks about a time he seriously considered suicide, and how he navigated his way back out of it:

"How easy it would be to wade out among the rushes and lie face down in the warm water till oblivion came. There would be a certain gurgling or choking unpleasantness at first--but it would soon be over. Then the long, peaceful night of non-existence..."

But something held him up:

"And yet certain elements--notably scientific curiosity and a sense of world drama--held me back. Much in the universe baffled me, yet I knew I could pry the answer out of books if I lived and studied longer. Geology, for example. Just how did these ancient sediments and stratifications get crystallized and upheaved into granite peaks? Geography--just what would Scott and Shackleton and Borchgrevink find in the great white Antarctic or their next expeditions...which I could--if I wished--live to see described?"

Lovecraft goes through questions about history, Africa, Mathematics, and other intellectual curiosities that he would miss out on if he snuffed himself out, ultimately concluding,

"So in the end I decided to postpone my exit till the following summer. I would do a little curiosity-satisfying at first; filling certain gaps of scientific and historical knowledge, and attaining a greater sense of completeness before merging with the infinite blackness."

after finding himself engaged in life to a much greater degree on this path of postponement--starting up an old newsletter, finding more questions at the ends of questions answered--he decided to grant himself another extension:

"Possibly I would wait til '06 before making my exit...one could drown in '06 just as well as in '05 or '04!'

Questions of life and death and meaning popped up over and over again in Lovecraft's life--he kept a cyanide pill on his person at all times just in case 'it ever got too much'--but he found his way through that particular darkness with the aid of curiosity.

Curiosity is a fine reason to go on living. I had just discovered Billy Collins a little bit before the suicide of a dear friend several years back, and was very excited to share it with him the next time he was in town. Before I had a chance to do that, he had jumped off an overpass in Tennessee. Not far after all of the other assorted kinds of thoughts a person has after receiving such news, it occurred to me that my friend would never get to experience Billy Collins. My friend--a highly intelligent, clever, soulful person--had missed out on something I was pretty sure he would have liked.

There are always new things to discover. Life is about change and possibility, and who knows what is waiting for us in the future? It's a compelling reason to stick around.

That Thing You Do

There are so many issues a person could have an opinion about. What issues do you often talk about in social media or in your personal life? Do you know why these are the primary issues that concern you? Do you know why these—among all possible issues—are the ones that concern you the most? Self-Awareness is so important, and so essential to understanding why the things that move us move us the way they do. Are you in touch with that part of yourself?

The BDSM Party

The sub/dom relationship between the Democratic Party and it’s voters is fascinating. I just passed a car with an ‘Any Functioning Adult 2020’ bumper sticker, and thought about how that was a cute liberal joke right after Trump got elected. They’re like, ‘Just give me someone! Anyone!’. Fast forward past all the voter disenfranchisement and shenanigans the party orchestrated to this moment, where Joe Biden is the candidate the party is offering, and the ‘functioning adult’ requirement of that bumper sticker is questionably met at best. And still they will expect party members to vote for their candidate, and party members probably will, because that is the cathartic nature of the degradation that occurs in sub/dom relationships. I’m just waiting for the whips and zipper masks and ball-gags to come into play. That’s when it will all be complete.

Here I Go

Call the doctor

I’m coming down

With a fever

Call a priest

I’m too scared to die

An unbeliever

Tell the truth:

Will I even

Notice?

Does it hurt?

And where does the darkness

Take us?

Here I go

Leaving my body behind

Just like my wallet, full of cash

For some lucky stranger to find

Do what you want

With the pictures, business cards

And the condom

I’m not coming back

And where I’m going 

I don’t need them

Here I go

Call out the punchline

Before the comedian

Finishes the joke

Swallow the bread

And gesture wildly

When you choke

There’s really no lesson

Nothing to learn

That’s worth keeping

It’s all transition

And that is why I’m leaving

Here I go

Leaving it all behind

God eats the fruit

And disposes of the rind

Take off your skin

After taking off your clothes

We’re getting out of here

To where?

No one knows

Here I go.


* These lyrics took a markedly gloomy and existential turn from where they began. I was talking to a friend on the phone about our various aches and pains, and was joking about I totally live up to the stereotype about how men turn into total babies when they’re sick. Then we got off the phone, and I thought about the narrator from ‘Notes From the Underground’ when he was talking about how gratifying it can be to complain about a toothache. That’s where the first lines came from. Then suddenly I heard Nick Cave’s voice singing the lines, and it ended up where it ended up. 

Anderson, OH

I’m glad that cars pull over for emergency vehicles when they have their sirens on, but it’s kind of annoying how quickly they pull over in upper middle class neighborhoods like Anderson. In lower middle class and poor neighborhoods, people pull over responsibly, and in rich neighborhoods they pull over too at a reasonable pace, but in Anderson—the model for the movie American Beauty—everybody pulls over so fast, almost like they’re excited to mark down on some kind of card their good deed for the day. I could have probably made this post more concise by just saying ‘Fuck Anderson’, but I’m a writer.

Self Care

I am failing at self-care this weekend on a world historic level. Someone should build a statue to commemorate this achievement, and a bird should immediately shit on it.

Substance Must Meet or Transcend Style

Red Hot Chili Peppers had a couple okay songs, but their music never lived up to the promise of their presentation. If you’re going to do something awesome like wear socks on your dick on stage, your music should at least be that good. Thinking about it, the only band I can think of who’s music could live up to that kind of cool packaging is Sigur Ros. Everybody else should probably wear pants.

Expectations

It’s crazy that it’s taken me this long to realize it, but it just occurred to me that expecting a return investment on my love, patience, attention, availability, loyalty, and respect doesn’t denote some kind of personal selfishness. Continuing to offer those things without some form of appropriate reciprocation, however, is a sign of limited self-respect. It’s good to expect what you invest in people to be invested back into you. And it’s healthy and ok to walk away if that investment isn’t returned. It doesn’t mean you’re bad, and it doesn’t mean they’re bad. It just means you and that person have different values, interests, attractions, and priorities. It’s not a failure on either person’s part. The failure is in the expectation that you can move someone else to feel and act how you do, and to resent yourself or them when those expectations aren’t realized. Just be good. Be kind. Put things out there, and if they don’t come back in a way that works for you, move along. Simple. 

If this Isn’t Nice...

It feels so good and is so beautiful outside. I have a strong compulsion to take off all of my clothes and lay in the grass. An extra bonus to this scenario is the actual human contact I will have when the neighbors call the police on me.

Andrew and Marianne

This is the best. Partially because, of course, Andrew, go to your room! But also because it’s a perfect encapsulation of both of their energies. I ❤️ Marianne.

When You Can’t Leave the House

This quarantine situation may have finally broken me. I just spent the last half hour browsing Zoom backgrounds for my daily work conference call tomorrow. This is neither normal nor OK.

Scripture

We turn people just like us
Who shit and piss and cum
 Into saints, to make our own perfection
Unattainable.
‘Oh,’ we say,
‘We aren’t saints. We could never
Change anything!’
This is the grand copout.

Don’t get me wrong:
The holiest thing a human can do
Is to piss and shit and cum,
but to accept this,
to embrace that we are all wallowing
in the same piss and shit and cum
is to take away the excuse
to not act.

To realize our glory—
and potential as a species—
is found not on a prayer to the heavens,
but in the gutter along with our lowest brother,
is to demand the greatest love of self,
and the greatest love of fellow,
and to realize that there is no Other,
there is only us.

And when we learn to love
The sacred fragrance of our collective stink,
only then can we ascend
only then can we change anything.

Being A Father

Today the Vice President of the agency I work for inquired about the well-being of ‘the boys’. She knows very little about me on a personal level, but I have to say it was gratifying to know that one of the main characteristics she has in her mind of me is that I am a committed father. As is the case with so many people who know me on any level. If anyone knows anything about me, they know how central my role as a dad is. I used to have so many grandiose goals for myself. So many different ways I wanted to be viewed by others. At this point in my life, to have it be unquestionable to all viewers that I am first and foremost dedicated to raising my sons, is definitely something I’m comfortable with, and proud of.

Cost-Benefit

The most dangerous and most necessary thing a human being can do in this life is to allow themselves to fall in love. The casualties will be high. Most of us won’t make it back. Kiss your momma goodbye boys, we are going to storm that beach!

Shelter In Place

I just discovered a new coping strategy for working from home: walk down every hallway, through every room, and down every staircase in your house yelling 'AAAAAAHHHHH!' at the top of your lungs. It's cathartic!

Love Languages

When I was a small human
I would collect little pebbles
And leaves and interesting sticks
And bugs and flowers
And give them to my parents
It was how I said ‘I love you’

As I got older and made friends
I would make mix tapes
And burn CD’s
And create homemade covers
And give them to my friends
It was how I said I loved them

Now I have kids
I do the same things for them
Teach them recipes and buy them books
That helped me understand how to live

And they practice the same method
I’ve got shelves of grade school clay contraptions
And framed pictures they drew
And all kinds of recommendations they gave me
That say, ‘Dad, I love you too’.



“Preach the gospel at all times, use words when necessary”

I can never remember if that quote is from St. Augustine or Thomas Aquinas. Some dead guy who loved God and never had sex definitely said it though.

Patient Zero

I think ‘Patient Zero’ is a rude nomenclature. What if this person has self esteem issues? What if they feel like a habitual loser? We’re going to call them a Zero the first time in their life they’ve actually been first at something? Not me, man. I’m Trauma Informed. I say it’s time for Patient Hero.

It’s All About Who You Know

One of the best side effects of working in the homeless services for 10+ years is that I can’t walk down the street in downtown Cincinnati without someone calling out ‘Mr. Spencer!’ and initiating a conversation. The perk is that because of this, I’ve had the opportunity to introduce my kids to so many interesting and inspiring people as we have walked around. I am telling the truth when I say I am prouder by far to be shouted out on the street by a former client in front of my kids than I would be in front of whatever celebrity or ‘successful’ person.

Schopey

As I sit in the parking lot waiting for my client to walk out of the building their appointment was in, a 60-ish white man on a Harley Davidson drives by with a look of total contentment on his face, blaring some hair metal band (‘You know I’m a dreamer...’), I suddenly realize that Arthur Schopenhauer was the only human being who ever really understood what it means to be a human being.

You Sexy Thing!

“You know the thing.” - Joe Biden

Obama’s former VP just wrote the title of Hot Chocolate’s comeback jam!